With our current Parenting Course coming to its climax next week we thought readers would like to know what parenting is all about!

Health & Safety!

PARENTING JOB DESCRIPTION

POSITION :

Mum, Mummy, Mama, Ma

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs £5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have the ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

They’ll be back at school soon!

The solution to all life’s problems!

School holidays will end soon

Yet more notes!

They get better!

Oh dear!

Following up Major Stephen Poxon’s comment in this week’s Salvationist about children making us laugh (and topically whilst they are currently home from school) here are some of the priceless things they have written. We shall publish more during the school holiday period (just for a laugh).

For those who have difficulty in resisting….

Strict is my diet I must not want.

It maketh me to lie down at night hungry;

It leadeth me past the refrigerator; it trieth my willpower.

It leadeth me in the paths of starvation, for my figure’s sake.

Yea, though I walk through the aisles of pastries,

I will buy no chocolate eclairs, for they are fattening.

The cakes and pies they tempt me.

Before me is a table set with green beans and lettuce.

It filleth my stomach with liquids;

My day’s quota runneth over.

Surely, calories and weight charts will follow me all the days of my life

And I will dwell in the fear of the scales forever!

From 7pm this coming Saturday you can enjoy Line Dancing and help raise funds for our Building Redevelopment at the same time!

At a price of £5 this will be a good value evening so why not join us, have fun and meet new friends at our Church Street hall!

Here’s how to find us:

Click on the maps to enlarge

All of us who engage in writing of any description find proof-reading a nightmare. Here are some classic errors we’ve found.

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
Did the editor realize the impossibility of this?

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No ‘good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Surprise, surprise!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is….

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

Surely the ‘dying’ art is not about mistakes made often quite unintentionally. It is about our ability to accept truth when confronted with it.

Try this:

For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him. (John 3:16-17 NIV)

A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-and-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, ‘What is a seven-hundred-and-ten?’

She replied, ‘You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one..’

She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to a car just like hers which had its hood up and asked ‘is there a 710 on this car?’

She pointed and said, ‘Of course, its right there.’

If you’re not sure what a 710 is click here

If this doesn’t make you laugh just go ahead and close your casket!!!

A preacher concluded that his church was getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.

So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.

Jack, Paul and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.

The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.

He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.

Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, ‘Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?’

Proudly handing the minister an envelope, Jack replied, ‘Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here’s the $200 I collected on behalf of the church.’

‘Fine job, Jack!’ The minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. ‘You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.’

Turning to Paul, ‘And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?’

Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, ‘I am a professional salesman.   I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here’s $280 I collected.’

The minister responded, ‘That’s absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.’

Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said,  ‘And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?’ Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope.

The minister opened it and counted the contents. ‘What is this?’ the minister exclaimed. ‘Louie, there’s $3200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?’

Louie just nodded. ‘That’s impossible!’ both Jack and Paul said in unison. ‘We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.’

‘Yes, this does seem unlikely,’ the minister agreed. ‘I think you’d better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie.’

Louie shrugged. ‘I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don’t  kn-kn-knowf-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,’ he stammered.

Impatiently, Peter interrupted. ‘For crying out loud, Louie,just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!’

‘A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,’ Louis  replied, ‘W-w-w-w-would  y-y-y-you l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible F-f-for  t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to  y-y-you??’

Remember when the funniest jokes were the clean ones? They still are! Seriously though, God can and does still use people whatever their level of abilty and we are often surprised at the results.

Is anyone game for Line Dancing? Try it at Church Street on Saturday 17 April (7-10pm). The cost of admission will be £3 and you’ll have a real good time! For more information contact us.

Here’s how to find us:

Click on the maps to enlarge

Here’s a report by one of our Youth Group members following the first SA Youth Group Together event.    Sounds as though everyone had a great time.   This is what Helen says about it:

You may have heard of the Youth Group Film Night which took place at our hall last Saturday, with various Corps from the division joining us- youth and leaders from Maidstone, Ashford, Gillingham and Chatham made up our gathering, which came to about 40 people (27 youths and 10 + leaders), which was a great success!

There was a great atmosphere, as we talked to people from other Corps, which was made easier by the two “ice breaker” sessions we took part in. First we each had a grid on a piece of paper with various details on it,  e.g. home towns or favourite TV programmes  etc. and we had to match the statements to the people present and get them to sign the grid- this meant talking to new people! The second ice breaker involved having a sticky note stuck on our forehead, with the name of a famous person on, and we needed to ask each other questions to find out who this person was- mine was William Booth.

After buying food from the tuck shop (supplied by Maidstone Corps) and collecting our (free!) pop corn, we made our way upstairs to the gallery, and we realised what a great venue the hall is for cinema nights: the big screen and the surround sound made it really work well!

The film we watched was “Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs”, which was a good film, and had us all laughing! This was a computer animated film, about an inventor, Tim Lockwood, who created a machine that made different types of food fall from the sky like weather, such as ice cream snow! This new sort of weather caused problems, which our hero solved and managed to save the day.

Our message was given to us from one of the Maidstone leaders, in which he pointed out to us how very important it is to talk to likeminded people, such as other young people in the Salvation Army: we had something on common with every person in the room: our faith.  He reminded us that within the Corps family there is always someone to help us, and we are never alone with our problems. Lynnette (our Divisional youth Officer) finished off our night by praying for us and our future events.

This event was the first of many “youth group together” events, and we will meet at various venues within Kent about once every two to three months, the next one being hosted by Ashford Corps, which will hopefully be a barbeque! I am looking forward to our next meeting, and we hope to have an even greater number next time!

The next Family Fun evening will be in the form of a ‘Knowing Me, Knowing You’ game with a light supper.   This will be held on Saturday 13 March 2010 at 7 pm.    The charge will be £3.00 per person (including children)/£10 for a family of 5 (2 Adults 3 Children).

If you would like to come please contact us for tickets.

One of our members has sent us this photograph of family members with friends who, incidentally, used to be in Chatham YP Band.   Do you recognise anyone?

From left to right they are: David, Lorraine, Duncan, Russell, Anthony, Andrew, Lloyd, John and Alan.

Birthday celebrations I believe which timed with Duncan’s visit from USA.

It just shows that lasting friendships develop through joining the YP Band.