The Salvation Army Chatham

Biker Ray Knapman, a member of Chatham Corps, was going in the wrong direction, but then he found God. Here is his story, published with the kind permission of ‘War Cry’.

Ray Knapman

IF YOU’RE REAL, GOD….

“If you’re real, God, get me out of this mess!” I didn’t believe in God but I was desperate. So I called to him. I was homeless and suicidal. In and out of jail for 15 years. I stole. I drank too much. I carried gunds and knoives. I was a horrible, violent person. And now I didn’t want to go on living.

I’d been in trouble all my life. I was a bully at school. I used to fight, play truant and steal. When I was 12 the school expelled me for starting fires. I went to another school but left at 15 and ended up working in a factory.

At 17 I was arrested for shoplifting and sent to Borstal. It was a terrible place – little more than a college for criminality. I learnt how to hot-wire cars and break into houses. I started taking LSD and amphetamines.

I began writing to Sue, a girl I knew from school. When I was discharged we got together and married in 1967, when I was 19. For the first few years life was great, and we had a son.

Then I started knocking around with a bad group of bikers. We formed a club called the Living Dead. I loved big motorbikes. We cruised around like zombies because of the drugs we took. I was always in trouble with the police. As I never had a driving licence my crimes were mainly motoring offences, but also shoplifting and possession of drugs.

In 1972 Sue and I and our three sons moved from Portsmouth to Basingstoke. I tried to get away from bad influences but I kept going back. Eventually I left my family as the marriage was over. After that I went crazy for several years.

Life became full of drugs, big bikes and weapons. Under the seat of my bike I kept a loaded shotgun and I rarely went out without two knives or an axe. I moved all over the country and spent the next 15 years in and out of jail.

I was a horrible person. I used to go to drug dealers’ houses, ask for drugs and say I’d pay them later. If they said no, I’d douse their lounge in petrol and pull out my cigarette lighter, threatening to set their home on fire.

I’d also befriend people who didn’t take drugs, just so I could be invited into their homes and find out where they kept their valuables. Then I’d suggest meeting them in a restaurant for dinner. While they were at the restaurant, I was burgling their house.

I tried Buddhism and Islam and various cults and witchcraft to make sense of my life.. But nothing worked for me..

One day, while living in Bristol, I thought: ‘Enough is enough’. I went to a neighbourhood drugs project. But I didn’t complete the programme because subjects came up that I didn’t want to face. I went to London and lived on the streets. It was then that I became suicidal and begged God to help me..

One day I met a woman from The Salvation Army. She got me a place in a hostel and I started attending the services at the nearby Salvation Army church. I liked the way the people worshipped there. But I continued to drink.

In 1990 staff at the hostel suggested I go to a Salvation Army centre in Southampton to follow a detox programme. It was brilliant. I got a job at the centre as a work therapy assistant. I attended the church services and became a Salvationist.

But when I moved into a council flat, I started drinking again. I left the church and joined another motorcycle club. I also got involved with a woman. Once, during an argument, I pulled out a gun as if to shoot her. It was only a replica, but had it been real I think I would have shot her. I later had a relationship with another woman. We both drank a lot. Again, during a row, I got angry and accidentally stabbed her in the stomach. I was sentenced to five and a half years.

Once in prison I started going to the chapel. I went on courses for drug rehabilitation. Most of the courses were based on Christian principles. Eventually I became a course assistant, which forced me to consider my own beliefs. I didn’t want to teach something if I didn’t believe in it myself. But I realised that I did believe. I became a Christian.

I was released from prison in 2003 and started attending my local Salvation Army church. In 2004 I met a couple who were members of the Christian Motorcyclists’ Association. I thought: ‘Wow! I can have God and bikes‘.

I joined the association. I ride a Caviga and every year the CMA holds a rally in Yorkshire where hundreds of bikers worship together.

Now I am a Salvationist again. My faith means everything to me. I love befriending the friendless so I work at a drop-in centre. The guys can relate to me because they know I’ve been where they are.

I am always ready to talk about God and my faith. All my T-shirts have a Christian message. I love learning about Jesus. He’s forgiven my past – and I did some appalling things, some of which I’m sure I’ve forgotten because of the drugs I took. When it comes to forgiving myself, though, I find it much more difficult. I think I do, but it’s not easy.

There are times when I still get angry. Sometimes I’m tempted to go back to my old ways but then I think of all that I would lose and that stops me. The struggles are getting fewer. Deep down I am sure of my salvation and I know that one day I will be with the Lord in Heaven.